I’m freaking out! I’ve never felt like this before “I can’t get on the plane mate… I’m shaking, and everyone is looking at me!”
“You’ve got red hair, of course they’re staring at you, said Duncan!”
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Magaluf! How things have changed
At the age of 19 this was one of the huge turning points of my life, which ultimately looking back shaped my future!
I was on a lads holiday in Magaluf. I was confident, in great shape physically and mentally… Or so I thought!? It was a heavy, heavy week. Lack of sleep, probably due to the fact that my main source of hydration was vodka and red bull!
I was sitting at a table with my friends after another heavy night/morning. Then all of a sudden I felt a sudden shift in myself. My chest tightened. I started sweating. I ran to the toilet. It honestly felt like I was going mad! After around 30 minutes it went away. Not knowing what the hell it was and what had triggered it made me feel really uneasy. I didn’t put it down to my chosen lifestyle at that point. It was the same old northern masculine attitude of, suck it up and crack on. I would rather die than look weak in front of the lads. So onto another nights partying it was…
Fight or no flight!
Again another heavy night… Fast forward into the afternoon the following day. I was in the airport ready to head home. OH SHIT! Here it comes again!I rushed to the toilet again, the same feeling, but 10 times worse. I felt like the world was closing in on me and at this point I feel pretty afraid.
I came out and said to my close friend…
I’m freaking out! I’ve never felt like this before “I can’t get on the plane mate… I’m shaking, and everyone is looking at me!” “You’ve got red hair of course they’re staring at you!, said Duncan” I had the top of my hair dyed red. I looked like an overgrown matchstick so no wonder everyone was staring at me. My mind felt like it was on fire, so it suited the situation quite well in hindsight.
Building Back
I managed to make it back to the UK, but was going through waves of panic on the plane all the way back. At this point in my life talking to anyone about it was the last thing I wanted to do. I was a boxer and so was embracing the full on matcho feel at the time. Having mental health issues just didn’t suit the bad boy mask I was trying to wear at the time.
I lost all my confidence, I was unwilling to get any help at the time… I think I was suffering from some sort of anxiety based mental flux. Years later I read into the above and found out they were actually panic attacks. It was to become a was a very dark time in my life. I suffered in silence even though I knew I could have had support from anyone of my family/friends if I reached out.
Times have changed and there is a lot more awareness around mental health issues. I’ve worked with guys from the SAS that have come forward and these guys are the toughest of the tough. So… for anyone reading this. Don’t suffer in silence! My way of dealing with it at the time was to avoid drinking, sleep more, train hard to distract my mind! I managed to distract myself for a good ten years, until a certain point in my life where it reared its head again…
Understand & Accept
There is no quick fix. It requires a lot of soul searching, acceptance deciphering your life and in the process understanding your own mind. You have the choice to fight it, create resistance and keep drawing attention to it. Or you can learn to understand it, accept it as part of you and place your energy into the opposite of anxiety (calm, confident, courageous). These parts of you become more dominant, the anxiety is still there, but does not hold the power it once did. As you are placing your attention/energy elsewhere. You have to go to work on it and that doesn’t mean fighting it, it is quite the opposite in fact. Meditation was the main tool I used to accept the anxiety and move forwards from it.
Hold onto hope, as with hope you can make positive change and in the end move away from this internal battle…
If you enjoyed this post then try – ‘Dead Bodies & my Ex-Wife’
If you want a step by step process sheet and loads more transformative practices for both body & mind then subscribe to the ‘SOULVISION’ human growth platform.
